::TripTripFall::

I would like to once again rant on how crazy I am over a certian person.
I want nothing more than to have their attention. I feel if I did I could go so far in life. i'd accomplish so much. That when I look back I'd say that I lived.
But fuck everythig I do makes him dislike me more. I could tel that when I was hanging out with him and the girl he was sleeping with that it made him nervous. I just really wanted to hang out with him but me and the girl actually got a long so well. We'd do little things just to be annoying and girls. And because I'm still curious about what weed does to you I took 1 just 1 hit while I was around him and hadn't been drinking. becasue I just want to see how it feels. Then I'm good I don't need it. I know my bad adiction is alchol. I can handle alot of it so I drink more than other girls. But I just got told that he won't date a girl who smokes at all. and I smoked weed. ioufehirwojfepsajdalsj  in front of him I remember he seemed pissy and walked away but still vfdwguhsiash GAHHHH fuckkk I WANT THIS KID SOO GODDAMN BAD. I don't know why. I feel like i'm going crazy. I have so much I want to say to him. Hes the only person I've felt that I needed this attention from. Like shit I sound nuts. so i'm gonna stop. but basically I want to have that kid so bad. But I'm deff just one of the bros now and down far away on the list. =/ shit son.

I feel great!

Latly i've had so much shit. but right now I'm just upupup!
hell i watched the guy i'm head over heels for try to get into the pants of another girl(which he hit that) 2days straight never lost it.
I am not making shit for money.
My phones off and broke
My jobs suck because I'm treated like shit.
But i feel strong. i feel more confident right now then ever.
My medical problems are all clearing up. although my ankle still hurts hahahh. rag finally hit. I've got energy.
I feel good. I have so much shit that should be bothering me and i'm just brushing it right off.
i'm not hungry. im eating less. i got a ddr pad and ive played for about 2-3 hours today and will continue.

fuck yes for today!!

I'd like to make note of the fact that i am an r-tard

I badly need to go to the doctor.

My period is almost a month late.....I'm starting to get pretty fucking scared.
Honestly if I am well, you know, I will try my best not to have the child. Not for the reasons that i'm selfish and don't want one or blahblahblah  but it would be far more humane for me to not bring a child into my disfunctional world. I would not be able to take care of it, I would not want to bring them in to a life where they don't have a dad. If I can not bring a kid into a world and raise it properly I would not fuck it over by bringing it in anyways.
Plus with how I've been consuming alchol up until latly, if I was prego that kid is likly to have issues and that is something i'd never forgive myself for.
I really hope I'm not.
I mean I don't think I am but still.
The taletale signs are usually increased apetite, change in foods(body starts craving items that contain nutirents your lacking and makes you sick when you try to injest harmful foods), morning sickness, pain when clothing around waist is too tight, harden lower stomach, etc.
I am not having any of these so i'm going to say that I am fine and its just some weird shit going on with stress levels and being off of my pills. still its scary for these thoughts to have popped in my head and from now on I will be much more carful about how I live. To have sat down and thought,. hrmmm if I am how would I tell the other person involved?

In other news my body has many other problems going on. I am so ridiculuasly unhealthy. hahahahha i apparently don't look like I've gained weight but I feel like I have. my insides just arent working right and the only time I've found that I have use the restroom is when I've been drinking. o_o fucking sucks.

Watch I will get health insurance and become the most healthy person in the world and never have any problems. I will literally sign the paper work and everything will fix its self. ahahhhhaha

...

suddenly my mood just sunk. I don't know why my moods do this. 1 little thing and i'm back in the pits. I think too much. and currently i really want the fireworks to end. ahahah i need to be to sleep but can't relax.i don't know what happened i was soo tired when I left daves house now i'm exhausted but wide awake. i feel lonely and incompetent.

i tend to fuck shit up. I'm so scared of every step I take. so worried it'll be the worng one.

::Is about to be broke forever::

agagaga
I have so much I need to purchase and want to purchase. I may not be getting out to AZ until Jan. Though that would work better for me, I will make quite a lot over the holidays. and right now there is sooo much I would like to buy or need to have. plus I still need to take care of school. =/

I would like to get to the west coast though. I like it out there and there are amazing opprotunites for me to take. I feel like I am climbing out of my hole. I'm feeling really good latly!! My only side effect has been my increase to wanting to buy things ahahah.

Well I do still have the issues with my body just not working right, that kinda sucks butttttt. whatever. I'm just going to wait it out try to eat healthy and shit. I stopped drinking. I've drank once in the past 2 weeks and I didn't even hit tipsy. hahaha I'm proud of myself. =]

I started working at TRU again. I felt it would help me make more money getting to my goals faster, now that I actually have goals. I'm feeling inspired again, not stressed. I feel like me. It's great!! I've been brushing off all the things that bother me, and I feel good.

At TRU there is a full time postition open. I'm currently doing that jobs requirements and though I wasn't going to go after it I feel that I just might. I know the job better than others that I work with. Tomorrow I will be getting my bosses number and calling her to ask about it. I don't really care wether I have it or not, its not like it was before when I was soo pissed off, but it would be nice to have a set job todo so they stop throwing me around and the hours. plus I will be neogiating my pay back up. I think it would be a good idea to apply.


hrmmm not much else right now. writing down everything I need material wise figureing up costs and need intensities. ahaha

I will be having much more up and going soon I feel. I'm feeling good, inspired, and motivated.
-Jess

::Realization::

I need to start sewing again in all of my spare time. and screen printing. I have good ideas, ones i know that will sell and I know how to market it. I need to DO it. not only for myself but if i think about it this way it motivates me.

-----> For every 2 shirts I sell of mine I can buy a Japanese big brand name one!!!

MOTIVATION FUCK YES.

::Just thinking::

I've been thinking alot about my life, my flaws, and my few good traits i never show.

I realized how much i can slack off on the few things i'm good at. how much i down myself saying that im doing a horrible job when in reality I'm not.

I tend to stress out over these things. Things I should be celebrating my abilities in, but instead I tend to hide them or avoid using them.

I will admit that I've gotten a bit better. There are a few things I will proudly say that I am good at. Customer service, math, sewing, graphics, fighting, driving, just to name a few. But even as I sit here typing this I begin to question wether I'm actually good at these things. I will never say that I am bad at customer service, I want to give everyone the chance to be treated as I wish to be treated in any of my job enviroments. Math; I am good but I'm not great. There is still plenty for me to learn but I will say that I tend to pick it up very fast and am able to relay it to others in a simple and easily understandable form. Sewing is something I've been avoiding. I love to sew, I get so passsionate when I watch a runway or look over designs. With sewing its deffinitaly because of my lack of self confidence that I tend to avoid it. I worry that my designs will not be highly execpted(due to my treatment back in my raver days), though I know by at least quite a few it will be. I worry I will not be able to complete the garment wether because of lack of knowledge or a mistake which takes too much fabric(due to the lack of encouragement I recieved as child, though ironically at the time I began sewing the recieved more encouragment than before). Graphics is the same as sewing. Any art really for me is the same as sewing. Fighting I will say I am good at. Though I know in my own heart that I need to get in better shape and my reflexes have majorly slowed down. I will not say I'm great in fighting. I am good, I know how to use my body and objects to defend myself, I am strong for a girl, and I can take a hit. My biggest attribute in fighting is that if it is a real fight I will keep going, I will not stop until I know I am defeated or knocked out. But thats how my family is. ahha. I love to drive. I want to learn to drive many other vechicles!!!

My major weaknesses are:self-doubt, lack of self control, slight anger management issues, my lack of ability to think clearly when I'm tired or flustered, my growing love for alchol, SELF-DOUBT, lack of self confidence in the areas that actually matter, etc.

I have a love hate relationship with one of my key traits. My loyalty. Once I decide to stick by you, I will do so. For example; Anna may piss me the fuck off quite often, but because of our past among other things it will bother the fuckkkk out of me unless we are on good terms mutually; Jojo may come and go as we grow older just like a few others, but every time we return to eachother we pick up like no time had been missed;Phillip and if I ever have the amazing feelings as I did for him for someone else, I will be there when they need help. Even though he's been a dick at times if something happens and he wants to talk I will listen. None of these people or any others not mentioned to I have to feel this way for. very few select people I just instantly know I will be there for forever. I do admit that this feeling is what stresses me out the most. If i'm ever really flipping out its because one of the few people I really care about and I are not at a mutual understanding, wether it be from my side or they'res.

bah enough rambling. I still have quite a bit of growing to do though at the moment I'm feeling much better in a lot of aspects.
-jess