::Just thinking::

I've been thinking alot about my life, my flaws, and my few good traits i never show.

I realized how much i can slack off on the few things i'm good at. how much i down myself saying that im doing a horrible job when in reality I'm not.

I tend to stress out over these things. Things I should be celebrating my abilities in, but instead I tend to hide them or avoid using them.

I will admit that I've gotten a bit better. There are a few things I will proudly say that I am good at. Customer service, math, sewing, graphics, fighting, driving, just to name a few. But even as I sit here typing this I begin to question wether I'm actually good at these things. I will never say that I am bad at customer service, I want to give everyone the chance to be treated as I wish to be treated in any of my job enviroments. Math; I am good but I'm not great. There is still plenty for me to learn but I will say that I tend to pick it up very fast and am able to relay it to others in a simple and easily understandable form. Sewing is something I've been avoiding. I love to sew, I get so passsionate when I watch a runway or look over designs. With sewing its deffinitaly because of my lack of self confidence that I tend to avoid it. I worry that my designs will not be highly execpted(due to my treatment back in my raver days), though I know by at least quite a few it will be. I worry I will not be able to complete the garment wether because of lack of knowledge or a mistake which takes too much fabric(due to the lack of encouragement I recieved as child, though ironically at the time I began sewing the recieved more encouragment than before). Graphics is the same as sewing. Any art really for me is the same as sewing. Fighting I will say I am good at. Though I know in my own heart that I need to get in better shape and my reflexes have majorly slowed down. I will not say I'm great in fighting. I am good, I know how to use my body and objects to defend myself, I am strong for a girl, and I can take a hit. My biggest attribute in fighting is that if it is a real fight I will keep going, I will not stop until I know I am defeated or knocked out. But thats how my family is. ahha. I love to drive. I want to learn to drive many other vechicles!!!

My major weaknesses are:self-doubt, lack of self control, slight anger management issues, my lack of ability to think clearly when I'm tired or flustered, my growing love for alchol, SELF-DOUBT, lack of self confidence in the areas that actually matter, etc.

I have a love hate relationship with one of my key traits. My loyalty. Once I decide to stick by you, I will do so. For example; Anna may piss me the fuck off quite often, but because of our past among other things it will bother the fuckkkk out of me unless we are on good terms mutually; Jojo may come and go as we grow older just like a few others, but every time we return to eachother we pick up like no time had been missed;Phillip and if I ever have the amazing feelings as I did for him for someone else, I will be there when they need help. Even though he's been a dick at times if something happens and he wants to talk I will listen. None of these people or any others not mentioned to I have to feel this way for. very few select people I just instantly know I will be there for forever. I do admit that this feeling is what stresses me out the most. If i'm ever really flipping out its because one of the few people I really care about and I are not at a mutual understanding, wether it be from my side or they'res.

bah enough rambling. I still have quite a bit of growing to do though at the moment I'm feeling much better in a lot of aspects.
-jess

::broke and hungry::

I just realized just how sad it was that i've been sitting here thinking of how much food could i get with my dollar.
I have $1 possiblly 2 with some change. I'm hungry. the only things in this house are superr expired intestine flavored ramen and udon, expired greenonion pancakes which i discovered today does not tast good, and peanut butter granola bars. I may be a hobo but i'm still picky. ahaha shit sucks.
i've been sitting here thinging if i should buy a few packs of american ramen noodles to last until monday or should i buy 1 can of spagetti os, or should i find an other opition. =/ i need to decide quickly. i'm really hungryyy hahah

-Jess


on a side note wtf is up with people?? I know i've been in a horriblly down mood this week, but its all the people i havn't spoken to at all who are fucking ignoring me or pissed off at me. fuck i don't get it. i'm a very very simple human people need to start saying some shit out loud so i get it!!

::Much more on the personal side::

This is really just to find out what is bothering me in life currently, what i can fix, what i can't, and what i'm going to do from here on end.

++Things that bother me(no certian order just what comes to mind)

MyMom
----for an example of how she bothers me. I finally went home the other day. I had a slight hang over but nothing major, i felt more out of it due to stress. we got in the pool just relaxing. after a bit I started complaining of chest pain. she continued to talk and halfass scold me for drinking so much(which i admit is becoming a major problem) after another 30min or so with me still complaining its getting worse, my vision blurs, i became lightheaded. I got up climbed out of the pool very sluggishly with her talking the whole time. Somtimes(i'm pretty sure its generally happened when i started getting seriously stressed out) my heart beats illregularly. it causes you to feel like SHIT. body aches dizzy, out of it. With out sounding like I'm over reacting it feels like you have no control on wether you die right there. Its the last time you want to be left alone but there i was laying on the floor hoping my heart would beat correctly again. luckily joelle answered so i wouldn't be alone. 30 min later after the attack finally stopped my mom comes in and in one breath goes "you oki? i'll make dinner you'll be fine" and walks back out. I just about burst into tears. She works in a doctors office and even though she commands i be a full time student so she can claim me on her taxes, she won't let me have health inssurance under her. I am generally unhealthy nowadays and can't go to the doctor when sick or injured. She also offers to help me with money here and there but brings it up later when shes angery about how she helped me out and i owe her. generally the money i recieve from her is no more than $20.
She wants a friend not a daughter. I think she loves me but at the same time doesn't its hard to explain.

+MyDad
----Is lazy. I must give my mom credit she's always worked hard, my dad has hardly worked my entire life. He has a temper and whines that hes always hurt which granted hes getting older but still that doesn't mean shit. He needs to suck it up and do something right for a change. I know he regrets alot of things I can see it in his eyes, unlike my moms she does not care about some the shit shes pulled. He needs to stop trying to use others and make what he has left worth wild. I must give my dad cred though, although he has muchhhhh less than my mom he has spent a lot more on me and continues to provide me with certian things like my car insurance, somthing my mom will not do.

+Both of my Parents
----One trait that drives me crazy about both of my parents is there fucking pittyparties. The constant telling me that i'm killing them if I'm not doing what they want to a 't'. Their conversations with me that go back and forth from saying that they love me and are glad they had me but hate evrything that came with my exsitence(my mom hates my dad, they were so poor and could hardly provide, my mom didn't spend time with me because she was working to take care of me while my dad had manymany affairs, etc) Things a child should not have been hearing at the young age I endured it. They are both selfish people who try to cover it up with random acts that make themselves feel better. They are children. That is not me being a brat or a rebel or somthing of the like, I have sat down and thought calmly of the reasonings on how I was raised. Its not a rash 'I HATE THEM' kind of decision its my honest opinion.

+Phillip
----its far from me hating him. dude i was head over heels for the kid with no reason to be. I met him, he smiled, I was a gonner. It's not only his looks though i find him more attractive to me than anyother man I've laid eyes on, its his whole demeanor. His intial care free way of living along with his bit of mixed it dangerousness. his voice, the goofy way he dances when i know hes got good rythym, everything I've found out since knowing him I've been captivated by. But in all seriousness I was crazy about him the moment I saw him. It's a feeling I'm not sure I'll ever have the honor to once again obtain. But becasue of his nice guy additude he won't completly tell me to get away or stay near. hes told me he doens't want a relationship but then will call out of the blue. I feel as if I've turned into a bootiecall and thats not the way I want things. I've been there done that and it'll be painful for me in the end. He doens't come out and tell me things and i'm such a r-tard with people my brain just can't understand what direction he wants me to go in. He's done some rude ass shit to me yet calls me over. Its just cruel. I want to speak with him on the matter but I'm just not sure how to appoach him on it, not to mention hes the only person i've been so terrifed to talk to. I must though or I won't have my own closer which i need badly.

+My lack of support from friends
----It maybe selfish but due to the lack of comfort I've recieved from my family, depend greatly on my friends for comfort and support emotionally. I do not have a lover or someone who will give the majority of their care towards me. and my friends, they have people more important to them than i am. They have they're own lifes and drama and I can understand it. But once in a while I do break down and I need someone to just well let me lean on them, let me cry and get my emotions out. The biggest thing I've been jealous of latly is birthdays. Currently I hate them. I may sound like a child for this but when all of my friends have their birthdays celebrated by others and I might get to go to someone elses party on my birthday, it sucks. I had spoken to anna eariler this year on birthdays and how I want a good one for once. Her boyfriend and his family and their friends whom are also my friends get together every birthday all of them and plan out a party, set up a dinner, get presents, go out or to vus and have a good time. every one of them including anna is at least taken out to dinner in a group and have their meal paidfor. They've even tried to get me to pay for one of their meals yet I don't get the same curtisy in return. My birthday this year consisted of anna hardly speaking with me, my only gifts coming from joelle and kim and them being the only ones who actually attempted to make my birthday fun. 2nd year in a row no cake or more than 5 people telling me birthday wishes. The only thing that made me chill out for the most part this year was my trip to AZ tyler got people together and we all hung out and he made it known it was my birthday too. no cake but it was better than nothing. besides than its still just the curtisy that i'm shown in comparison to my other friends. I want to be treated equal. But this is also somthing I've been struggling with in life in general.

+Being Treated As an Equal
----more than one area of my life I crave this. I don't know what it is about the way I look or act or somthing but its honestly become pretty common for people to look down on me and even if I do something well, most above me will never say good job. Its rather annoying to try to please people who will never say it. I don't knwo why but thats the way the world works for me.

+My lack of energy lately
----the only person who can fix this is myself. I need to destress and eat healthier, take my vitamins, and exercise. Though I think my enviroment as a lot to do with this. When I was in AZ I foun;d that I had tons of energy. I think that due to the 100% humidity along with heat that makes this place just feel nasty, it drains me. ahah Thats one of many reasons why I'm making moves to well move to AZ.

+oki from here on itll probably jsut be a ramble haha
----I don't like the way people treat me
----I don't like the way I currently am. I need to be stronger. When I was younger I was stronger. But It's because I believed blindly in people especially those that supported the way I was. I need to be that way again but with no need of others support. I need to find myself once more so that I don't worry about others and the way they seee me. When I'm happy with my self I will acheive many great things.

-jess