::Much more on the personal side::

This is really just to find out what is bothering me in life currently, what i can fix, what i can't, and what i'm going to do from here on end.

++Things that bother me(no certian order just what comes to mind)

MyMom
----for an example of how she bothers me. I finally went home the other day. I had a slight hang over but nothing major, i felt more out of it due to stress. we got in the pool just relaxing. after a bit I started complaining of chest pain. she continued to talk and halfass scold me for drinking so much(which i admit is becoming a major problem) after another 30min or so with me still complaining its getting worse, my vision blurs, i became lightheaded. I got up climbed out of the pool very sluggishly with her talking the whole time. Somtimes(i'm pretty sure its generally happened when i started getting seriously stressed out) my heart beats illregularly. it causes you to feel like SHIT. body aches dizzy, out of it. With out sounding like I'm over reacting it feels like you have no control on wether you die right there. Its the last time you want to be left alone but there i was laying on the floor hoping my heart would beat correctly again. luckily joelle answered so i wouldn't be alone. 30 min later after the attack finally stopped my mom comes in and in one breath goes "you oki? i'll make dinner you'll be fine" and walks back out. I just about burst into tears. She works in a doctors office and even though she commands i be a full time student so she can claim me on her taxes, she won't let me have health inssurance under her. I am generally unhealthy nowadays and can't go to the doctor when sick or injured. She also offers to help me with money here and there but brings it up later when shes angery about how she helped me out and i owe her. generally the money i recieve from her is no more than $20.
She wants a friend not a daughter. I think she loves me but at the same time doesn't its hard to explain.

+MyDad
----Is lazy. I must give my mom credit she's always worked hard, my dad has hardly worked my entire life. He has a temper and whines that hes always hurt which granted hes getting older but still that doesn't mean shit. He needs to suck it up and do something right for a change. I know he regrets alot of things I can see it in his eyes, unlike my moms she does not care about some the shit shes pulled. He needs to stop trying to use others and make what he has left worth wild. I must give my dad cred though, although he has muchhhhh less than my mom he has spent a lot more on me and continues to provide me with certian things like my car insurance, somthing my mom will not do.

+Both of my Parents
----One trait that drives me crazy about both of my parents is there fucking pittyparties. The constant telling me that i'm killing them if I'm not doing what they want to a 't'. Their conversations with me that go back and forth from saying that they love me and are glad they had me but hate evrything that came with my exsitence(my mom hates my dad, they were so poor and could hardly provide, my mom didn't spend time with me because she was working to take care of me while my dad had manymany affairs, etc) Things a child should not have been hearing at the young age I endured it. They are both selfish people who try to cover it up with random acts that make themselves feel better. They are children. That is not me being a brat or a rebel or somthing of the like, I have sat down and thought calmly of the reasonings on how I was raised. Its not a rash 'I HATE THEM' kind of decision its my honest opinion.

+Phillip
----its far from me hating him. dude i was head over heels for the kid with no reason to be. I met him, he smiled, I was a gonner. It's not only his looks though i find him more attractive to me than anyother man I've laid eyes on, its his whole demeanor. His intial care free way of living along with his bit of mixed it dangerousness. his voice, the goofy way he dances when i know hes got good rythym, everything I've found out since knowing him I've been captivated by. But in all seriousness I was crazy about him the moment I saw him. It's a feeling I'm not sure I'll ever have the honor to once again obtain. But becasue of his nice guy additude he won't completly tell me to get away or stay near. hes told me he doens't want a relationship but then will call out of the blue. I feel as if I've turned into a bootiecall and thats not the way I want things. I've been there done that and it'll be painful for me in the end. He doens't come out and tell me things and i'm such a r-tard with people my brain just can't understand what direction he wants me to go in. He's done some rude ass shit to me yet calls me over. Its just cruel. I want to speak with him on the matter but I'm just not sure how to appoach him on it, not to mention hes the only person i've been so terrifed to talk to. I must though or I won't have my own closer which i need badly.

+My lack of support from friends
----It maybe selfish but due to the lack of comfort I've recieved from my family, depend greatly on my friends for comfort and support emotionally. I do not have a lover or someone who will give the majority of their care towards me. and my friends, they have people more important to them than i am. They have they're own lifes and drama and I can understand it. But once in a while I do break down and I need someone to just well let me lean on them, let me cry and get my emotions out. The biggest thing I've been jealous of latly is birthdays. Currently I hate them. I may sound like a child for this but when all of my friends have their birthdays celebrated by others and I might get to go to someone elses party on my birthday, it sucks. I had spoken to anna eariler this year on birthdays and how I want a good one for once. Her boyfriend and his family and their friends whom are also my friends get together every birthday all of them and plan out a party, set up a dinner, get presents, go out or to vus and have a good time. every one of them including anna is at least taken out to dinner in a group and have their meal paidfor. They've even tried to get me to pay for one of their meals yet I don't get the same curtisy in return. My birthday this year consisted of anna hardly speaking with me, my only gifts coming from joelle and kim and them being the only ones who actually attempted to make my birthday fun. 2nd year in a row no cake or more than 5 people telling me birthday wishes. The only thing that made me chill out for the most part this year was my trip to AZ tyler got people together and we all hung out and he made it known it was my birthday too. no cake but it was better than nothing. besides than its still just the curtisy that i'm shown in comparison to my other friends. I want to be treated equal. But this is also somthing I've been struggling with in life in general.

+Being Treated As an Equal
----more than one area of my life I crave this. I don't know what it is about the way I look or act or somthing but its honestly become pretty common for people to look down on me and even if I do something well, most above me will never say good job. Its rather annoying to try to please people who will never say it. I don't knwo why but thats the way the world works for me.

+My lack of energy lately
----the only person who can fix this is myself. I need to destress and eat healthier, take my vitamins, and exercise. Though I think my enviroment as a lot to do with this. When I was in AZ I foun;d that I had tons of energy. I think that due to the 100% humidity along with heat that makes this place just feel nasty, it drains me. ahah Thats one of many reasons why I'm making moves to well move to AZ.

+oki from here on itll probably jsut be a ramble haha
----I don't like the way people treat me
----I don't like the way I currently am. I need to be stronger. When I was younger I was stronger. But It's because I believed blindly in people especially those that supported the way I was. I need to be that way again but with no need of others support. I need to find myself once more so that I don't worry about others and the way they seee me. When I'm happy with my self I will acheive many great things.

-jess