::Just thinking::

I've been thinking alot about my life, my flaws, and my few good traits i never show.

I realized how much i can slack off on the few things i'm good at. how much i down myself saying that im doing a horrible job when in reality I'm not.

I tend to stress out over these things. Things I should be celebrating my abilities in, but instead I tend to hide them or avoid using them.

I will admit that I've gotten a bit better. There are a few things I will proudly say that I am good at. Customer service, math, sewing, graphics, fighting, driving, just to name a few. But even as I sit here typing this I begin to question wether I'm actually good at these things. I will never say that I am bad at customer service, I want to give everyone the chance to be treated as I wish to be treated in any of my job enviroments. Math; I am good but I'm not great. There is still plenty for me to learn but I will say that I tend to pick it up very fast and am able to relay it to others in a simple and easily understandable form. Sewing is something I've been avoiding. I love to sew, I get so passsionate when I watch a runway or look over designs. With sewing its deffinitaly because of my lack of self confidence that I tend to avoid it. I worry that my designs will not be highly execpted(due to my treatment back in my raver days), though I know by at least quite a few it will be. I worry I will not be able to complete the garment wether because of lack of knowledge or a mistake which takes too much fabric(due to the lack of encouragement I recieved as child, though ironically at the time I began sewing the recieved more encouragment than before). Graphics is the same as sewing. Any art really for me is the same as sewing. Fighting I will say I am good at. Though I know in my own heart that I need to get in better shape and my reflexes have majorly slowed down. I will not say I'm great in fighting. I am good, I know how to use my body and objects to defend myself, I am strong for a girl, and I can take a hit. My biggest attribute in fighting is that if it is a real fight I will keep going, I will not stop until I know I am defeated or knocked out. But thats how my family is. ahha. I love to drive. I want to learn to drive many other vechicles!!!

My major weaknesses are:self-doubt, lack of self control, slight anger management issues, my lack of ability to think clearly when I'm tired or flustered, my growing love for alchol, SELF-DOUBT, lack of self confidence in the areas that actually matter, etc.

I have a love hate relationship with one of my key traits. My loyalty. Once I decide to stick by you, I will do so. For example; Anna may piss me the fuck off quite often, but because of our past among other things it will bother the fuckkkk out of me unless we are on good terms mutually; Jojo may come and go as we grow older just like a few others, but every time we return to eachother we pick up like no time had been missed;Phillip and if I ever have the amazing feelings as I did for him for someone else, I will be there when they need help. Even though he's been a dick at times if something happens and he wants to talk I will listen. None of these people or any others not mentioned to I have to feel this way for. very few select people I just instantly know I will be there for forever. I do admit that this feeling is what stresses me out the most. If i'm ever really flipping out its because one of the few people I really care about and I are not at a mutual understanding, wether it be from my side or they'res.

bah enough rambling. I still have quite a bit of growing to do though at the moment I'm feeling much better in a lot of aspects.
-jess